My Caged Parakeet

Unbelievable as it may sound, it is a factual story that portrays one of the many such hearts that longed for each other and ends up bleeding forever. Hearts that beat and bleed for each other but the world never want them to be together. Every effort is done to keep them away from each other. I have to pen this story not to get your sympathy but to understand that there are many such relationships that never see the light of the day, succumb slowly and are left to die in the darkness of customs, family honor, and traditions. It was in this India -- in a princely state of Hyderabad that I grew up in a rather semi-conservative family --- which was rather more conservative on the religious side but also very open minded when it came to adjusting the way of life. Growing up under those historical and cultural influences, it was impossible to avoid the traditions and the way we dressed, lived, and survived. The restrictions imposed on women folks were overwhelming. Women were not allowed to go out in public or even have their shadows visible to outsiders. Evidently the story of my life as well as others’ life was also embedded in a culture which had roots in unfathomed love and harmony. Religions have a distinct impact on every Indian’s life whether one is religious or not. We went to Catholic school but our friends were Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Sikhs, and from other religions. It was amazing how well we lived together and respected each other’s way of living. Nergis’s father was a very strict person and would yell out loudly if things did not go his way. We could hear him from our house and would know that he was going through his temper tantrum. Nergis was extremely scared of her father and would run away whenever she would see him. I had a sort of fathomless feeling deep in my heart as if something very strange was going on within me or there was some hidden force that was attracting me towards Nergis. I liked her for a reason that I myself did not know. Moreover at that age it was very uncommon to have any relationship in those cultural surroundings Although things were moving along for us, for our families it was going in the wrong direction. There were a lot of incidences, misconceptions, mishaps, and other problems which created bad feelings among our families. With all the romantic moments and closeness, strange as it may seem, we never said to each other “I love you.” We knew what it was but never had to express it in words. This was another message I got mysteriously that words are not the only means of communication. Hearts can talk to each other and verbal expressions are hollow and meaningless. Understandings and emotions overcome formal expressions. I could view Nergis when she would come to the window. Our secret companions were the mute windows, doors and wall. They were our supporters and helped in letting the two bleeding hearts communicate, see and admire each other. They observed us and kept our secrets without letting them out. These were so different than humans. Listening to her knocks on the wall was very exciting for me as if she was talking to me. It was amazing how much we had learned to communicate by simple knocking. We did not decide before hand but by our intuition arrived at a mutually understandable language. Our relationship was now almost over sixteen years old. Strangely enough we lived close to each other, literally separated by a wall – but could not see each other up close. We could not even talk to each other. Even when she would come to the window we could not whisper because of the restrictions and fear. Once she started observing Purdah, I could only see her behind the curtain – mainly her eyes and part of her face. We were prisoners of social norms and gladly subjected ourselves to the punishment and grief. I would dream of our happily married life and at times used to get scared of the consequences if I ever lost Nergis. It became evident that the only solution at that point was to sacrifice my emotions. I had to stifle my thoughts, let my emotions bleed, and make a decision that will hurt me forever. I needed one chance, just ONE chance, to hug Nergis and tell her that I would never forget her and I could never forget her. I wanted to stand on my feet, and let her know that it was a matter of time. I had only a week to get visa which was issued by the US consulate in Chennai which is another city down south. I could not think of leaving without letting Nergis know about my plans to return soon after finishing my studies in about one year There were only two days left and still I did not get any response from Nergis. I was getting desperate and there was no way I could communicate with her. I kept waving until the windows were out of sight. I felt as if I left a part of my heart attached to the window. This was how I left my love – my parakeet in the cage!!! Getting US citizenship had always been a dream for many folks around the world. What else could I have wished for? I had a degree, I had residence status, and I had a job offer. I was so thankful that I could hardly express my gratitude. The only thing left for me was to get my Nergis I started dreaming of living with Nergis sometimes in India and sometimes in the United States. I went close to the wall and knocked on it. There was no reply. I knocked again there was no reply.